Pirates of the Opera
by Dani Jones
Summary: Crossover! The characters of POTC fall into the world, run into the characters of POTO, and end up with a catastrophe. Jack and the Phantom...bad mix. Christine and Elizabeth...even worse. Norrington...well, the mannequin's in for a surprise! Have fun!
1. Falling Into a Parallel World

A/N: This is a story me and my best friend, PhantomEvRose put together one day when we were bored. It evolved into our biggest inside joke ever. This is my first shot at a comical story...so be kind. It's meant to be totally ridiculous and hyperbolized. :)

DISCLAIMER: I feel obligated to do this. We do not own any of these characters, they are property of: Gore Verbinski, Jerry Brucheimer, Joel Schumacher, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Gaston Leroux, and Walt Disney. We do however, own most of the ridiculous, perilous events these characters get themselves into out of their own stupidity. :)

"They're right behind us!" Elizabeth shouted over the roar of the pursuers. Jack looked behind him to check the _Dutchman_'_s _crewmembers progress. He was alarmed by their speed.

"Agh!" he yelled.

"Told you!" Elizabeth screamed back.

"Here's an idea, DON'T LOOK BACK AND RUN!" Will shouted with gusto at Jack.

"Well so-rry!"

"SHUT UP!" Elizabeth shouted against their cries of rage. "Where's Norrington?!"

"Who cares?! RUN!" Jack screeched back. Will turned around and scanned the area quickly for idiot Norrington. Ever since being discharged from being a Commodore for the Queen's Navy, he's really gone down the tubes. No sign of him. Suddenly, Elizabeth screamed. Will's head spun back around to face the direction in which he was running, and saw Norrington standing a few yards ahead of them.

"Look!" he shouted excitedly.

"We don't have time!" Will bellowed.

"No, LOOK!" he gestured down at the white sand on which they were standing.

There was a small opening in the sand right in front of them.

"Wanna-?" Will started.

"GO!" Elizabeth shoved Jack into the hole first, resulted in Jack letting out a warbled scream. Elizabeth followed, grabbing Norrington by his lapels on her way in. Will glanced around once more, and then dove in head first.

What happened next they did not expect…at all.

The hole opened up into a large and dark chamber, with no bottom. They fell, and fell, and fell some more. And guess what happened next? They fell some more. All were spinning head over heels and they spun into the deep and endless abyss.

Then there was a splash, as they fell into dark and tepid water. They surfaced, and sputtered for a few minutes, assessing the situation.

"Where-are-we?!" Jack spluttered, squeezing the water out of his dreadlocks.

"The water's only about waist deep." Will observed.

"Really?" Jack said sarcastically. Will rolled his eyes.

"Now, now you two. This is already miserable, and I don't want to have to deal with you two the whole time." Elizabeth said in an annoyed tone. The water in which they had fallen was surrounded by tall stone walls, lit with sconces.

"Are we…in a tunnel?" Elizabeth inquired.

"I don't know. Should we find out?" asked Will. Elizabeth shrugged her shoulders, and with one last wrench of her shirt, began to trudge through the waist-deep water. Jack noticed their walking away, and decided to follow. Norrington on the other hand, was staring at the numerous sconces lining the walls.

"Norrington, COME ON!" Jack bellowed down the hall. Because of the stones lining the walls, his voice was projected multiple times and echoed loudly, leaving a ringing in all of their ears. Norrington jumped several feet, and then followed quickly behind them. Norrington sloshed quickly through the water, and grasped Jack's arm in terror.

"Jack…I heard all of these demonic voices a second ago…" he whispered.

"…GET OFF ME!" he roared. Norrington fell backwards into the water when Jack lifted his arm to try and free Norrington's grasp.

"Honestly…" Will whispered impatiently.

The time passed by in silence, and the only sounds were the occasional grunts or surprised squeals of slipping or almost falling in the water again. (Norrington gave most of the outbursts.) Their upper bodies had dried completely, (except for Norrington's, because he kept falling in, the idiot…) after what seemed like an eternity of winding in and out of the endless web of tunnels, Will stopped walking, and straightened up, as if listening to something.

"Hear that?" he whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" Norrington said at normal volume.

"Shut up!" they all hissed. Distantly, there were voices. _Singing_, voices.

"Singing? Will, where are we?" Elizabeth whispered urgently.

"Do I look like I know?" He said in annoyance. He walked a few cautious, almost silent steps towards the next merging of the next two tunnels. He spun around suddenly.

"Hide!" he hissed.

"Why?" Jack whispered back.

"JUST HIDE!" Will whispered-shouted back.

"Where?!" Elizabeth screeched quietly. Norrington ducked abruptly under the water for a good 'hiding place'.

"Um…." Will looked around anxiously. The singing voices were getting closer, there were two, a man's deep and enticing and a woman's, high and beautiful. Will looked forward, there was a portcullis covered by velvet curtains on the inside, it was only a few yards ahead…they could make it. That was their only shot. "Come on, to that portcullis!"

"How are we going to get _in_ it?" Jack asked skeptically as he followed Will.

"I haven't thought about it yet!" Will snapped. "Oh Elizabeth, get Norrington will you?" he asked her, turning over his shoulder.

Elizabeth groaned with a roll of her eyes as she reached under water and yanked Norrington upwards by his collar. He whined at her for pulling him about but was silenced by threats of the most intense tickle attack in the world.

They were only about six feet left towards the portcullis when they heard the voices…very close behind them. The man and woman slowly were becoming visible, they were in a gondola, the man was rowing and the woman sat at his feet. They were beginning to the round the corner into the cave-like structure which led to the portcullis entrance.

"Oh no! Who knows, those people could be evil with all our luck!" Elizabeth cried.

"Try to get in!" Will commanded. They all lunged forward, ready to start banging and pulling at the portcullis, but the moment they arrived in front of it, it opened.

"Oooh! Magic!" Norrington clapped his hands with childlike appreciation.

"There's not time for your idiocy right now! Come on!" Elizabeth wrenched him forward.

Behind the portcullis was the strangest thing our four buccaneers had ever seen. And they'd seen a lot. It was sort of a…house. There were three stone grottos, separated into rooms by curtains. Hundreds of candles lit the place and as they walked through the water even more of them rose out of it and were immediately lit.

"Hey Will…AHHH!" Norrington yelped at almost being skewered by a rising water-candelabra.

"THEY'RE COMING! THE SINGING IS GETTING CLOSER!" Jack screamed loudly.

"YELL ANY LOUDER, WHY DON'T YOU?" Will yelled back, equally as loud.

"SHH!!!" Elizabeth shushed with such intensity, that saliva was spewing from her mouth, and hitting Norrington.

"EWW!!!" he squealed, brushing the saliva frantically off of his worn-out commander's jacket.

'_The Phantom of the Opera is there,_

_Inside my mind!'_

"HIDE!!!!!!!!" Will shouted. They all ducked behind the closest object. Jack dove behind the massive organ sitting in the center grotto, Elizabeth shuffled underneath the large bed sitting on the highest grotto, readjusting the skirt of the bed to hide the disturbance, and Will ducked behind one of the many red velvet curtains. He pulled it back, and shut it behind him.

Turning his head quickly to survey his surroundings, his wrist hit a life-like doll, and her head flew off as a result.

He muttered a string of expletives, as he caught the head, and frantically tried to reattach it to the body. He listened intently for any sound of the two people in the boat. He heard someone step out of the boat, and onto the stone steps of the grotto. The man made an irritated noise.

"I could have sworn that I shut that stupid portcullis…" he was muttering to himself, before silencing, and turning around and beginning to sing to the woman still sitting in the boat.

_I have brought you,_

_To the seat of sweet music's throne_

_To this kingdom where all must pay homage_

_To music…music!_

Elizabeth's head shot out from underneath the bed, trying to get a look at the man who held the most beautiful voice she'd ever heard.

_You have come here!_

_For one purpose, and one alone!_

_Since the moment I first heard you sing,_

_I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing._

_For my music…my music._

Will parted the curtains minimally to see the positions of the visitors. The man was wearing a well-tailored suit, with a long tail, and his hair was smooth, and black. But the oddest thing about the man was that he wore a white mask on the one side of his face, and wore leather gloves on long, bony fingers. He touched everything as if it was going to spontaneously explode or something. He glanced over, and noticed the _woman._ She was a rare beauty, with long, curly, brown hair, and colossal brown eyes, unblinking and still. Her skin was like porcelain, smooth and even. Her nightgown was well-textured, lacy, elegant, and sparkly. The man took her by the hands, and lifted her up out of the boat, escorting her through the maze of candles. He could obviously tell that the man was completely enthralled, and in love with this woman.

The man and the woman stopped on the grotto containing the organ…and Jack. _Oh, no…_the man began to dramatically circle the candelabras, without taking his eyes off of the woman, and Will could see _exactly_ what was going to happen. He cradled his head in his hands, as not to see the upcoming accident. Jack saw this too, and began to scuffle away as quickly as he could, but he couldn't go fast enough…

_Let your mind start a journey,_

_Through a strange new world!_

_Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before!_

_Let you soul take you where you want to-_

The man let out a 'AUGH!' as the back of his legs hit Jack's arched back, and the man toppled, backwards, over Jack, causing the man to do a complete back-flip that any gymnast would have been proud of. However…he didn't land it. Jack's face screwed up into a petrified 'I'm going to die' look. The man stood up, and Jack stood up too, and they both came face-to-face with each other.


	2. Worlds Collide

The two stared at each other for a horribly tense moment of silence. The man in the mask's face contorted suddenly into fury.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! CAN'T YOU NOT SEE THAT I'M TRYING TO SEDU-I mean…TEACH THIS LOVELY YOUNG NAÏVE GIRL HOW TO SING?!?!" Jack jumped three feet in the air as the man shouted at him. He shrunk more and more away from the man as his volume grew, and echoed ominously off of the walls. Jack receded so much that he was in a makeshift ball on the floor.

"GET UP!" the man shouted. Jack shot up from the floor, and ran screaming away from the man. He didn't get far, before Elizabeth grabbed his ankle, and the pirate went flying into the lake. Elizabeth shot out from underneath the bed, and jogged up to the man, ready for anything.

"Hey you! Leave the drunkard alone! What did he do tooooooo-," Elizabeth's speech faltered, and fell silent as she stared at the hotness before her. "Hellllllo." she ran her eyes up and down his body, lingering on his eyes for a moment. "I'm Elizabeth Swann." She offered her hand for him to kiss. He took her fingertips lightly, and stared at her with a puzzled look.

"…..Hello….I-," bowing deeply "Am the Phantom of the opera, and this is Christine Daae." Jack piped up from the lakeside.

"That's not your name! What did they tease you with when you were a kid? Phanty?" the Phantom scowled.

"What did they call you? Slobbering drunken man?"

"Ooh…that hurt…" Jack said sarcastically.

Elizabeth jumped in.

"Enough!" Jack rung his dreadlocks and the water squirted onto the Phantom's well-shined boots. The Phantom rolled his eyes.

"Oh, _sorry_." He began to trudge up the stairs, letting out a _squish, squish_, every time he took a step. He rammed shoulders with Christine. She jolted violently, as if she was in a trance.

"Sorry lass-," Jack started, and did a double take on her beauty. "Well!" he started. "'Ello love! What name shall I address a beauty like you by?"

The woman stared with a blank expression on her face.

"What did you do to her? Give her drugs?"

The Phantom was over in two strides. "Get away." He shoved Jack with one hand, and Jack tumbled backwards down the stairs, landing in the rowboat tied to the small grotto. Jack flailed for a moment in the boat, trying to get a footing, when the boat hit something in the water. Alarmed, he reached into the water, and grasped a waterlogged Norrington out of the water.

Norrington sputtered and choked for several seconds before speaking.

"Geez! How long were you exactly expecting to keep me waiting?!" Jack glared at Norrington for a short moment before yanking him by his lapels towards himself.

"What, in the name of Davy Jones were you doing?" he said in a low voice.

"You told us to hide, smartie." He replied in a snide voice. Jack paused, and then yanked him closer to his face.

"YOU HID IN THE WATER?!?!" he roared.

"Yeah, I did! And if you were a little slower, I would have drowned!"

"And done us all a big favor!" Elizabeth shouted from across the grotto. "Wait, where's Will?"

"There are _more_ of you?" the Phantom hissed. Norrington's head snapped around to see who's that voice belonged to. He grabbed Jack violently.

"Jack!" he said in a terrified whisper. "It's a…_a…_"

"Spit it out, moron." Jack said in a bored voice. "And if you wouldn't mind letting go-,"

"VAMPIRE!" Norrington shouted. Christine's eyes widened and she took a frightened step backwards.

"Where?!" she squeaked.

"Oh my…." Elizabeth whispered to herself.

"What did you do to her?!" Jack shouted.

"It doesn't concern _you_!" the Phantom shouted. Elizabeth charged over to Norrington, and slapped him full across the face. He spun around from the force of the blow.

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!" Elizabeth shouted so hard, that her voice broke. And then Norrington did something surprising…he sat down on the floor, and began to cry like a child.

"Oh, stop!" Elizabeth said in an annoyed tone. Christine, however, showed sympathy.

"Oh, you poor man!" she leaned down, and cradled his head in her arms, rocking his gently. "Shh…" The Phantom practically turned green with envy at that moment, but he kept his mouth shut.

"HEY!" Will shouted from behind the curtain. Elizabeth let out an 'oh!' and ran over to help him. "I've been stuck for a while by this weird doll, and I've been asking for help for a while now, but no one could hear, because all you people did was _scream_ at each other!" he paused, panting.

"Oh, Will…I'm so sorry…" Elizabeth started, but Will held up his hand to stop her. Norrington suddenly squealed in delight.

"Ooh! Look at _that_!" he leapt up, and began towards Will. Will jumped aside.

"Don't you even-," but Norrington sped right past him, and stopped a few feet in front of the strange doll. He wrung his hands in an embarrassed manner, and slid forwards a few inches.

"Hello madam…um…I'm Norrington. Commodore, that is."

"You are not! You were fired, weren't you? And who are you talking to?" Norrington ignored him.

"You're real pretty, you know…and I was wondering if you'd like to…ya know…elope?"

"Elope?!" Elizabeth burst out into laugher. "You've really lost it, haven't you?"

"Don't be so rude in front of the lady!" Norrington shouted back. "Sorry dearest…" he whispered to the mannequin.

"Wait wait, are you in love with, my _mannequin_?" the Phantom asked incredulously.

"It's modeled after me, you know…" Christine whispered.

"Really?" Jack's voice rose and octave. "I'd prefer you over that fake thing any day- KIDDING!" he shouted as the Phantom rounded on him.

"…Wow." Will just blinked, and then rubbed his eyes.

"Back to the original tangent, how did sailor boy, miss promiscuous, village idiot and drunkard get here in the first place?" Will stifled a laugh.

Elizabeth went on to explain the vortex, and their journey up until the present. Jack interrupted with objections a few times, but was silenced by a glare from the Phantom.

"How interesting!" Christine exclaimed.

"Not really…" Jack interrupted.

"I'm sick of your bad attitude!" Elizabeth shrieked.

"What is your name, guttersnipe?" the Phantom asked suddenly. Elizabeth answered quickly.

"Jack Sparrow."

"CAPTAIN!" Jack shouted.

"Whatever…I'm Elizabeth, as you know and this is my-Will. Will Turner, and that sad man over there is James Norrington. Used to be great…"

"_Bonjour._" Christine said quietly.

"_Bonjour?_ Are we in Greece?" Jack asked excitedly.

They all just stared in disbelief.

Jack suddenly let out a large yawn.

"I'm getting tired! Where can we tucker out for the night? How about over _here?_" Jack motioned towards the bed.

"Don't you dare! That's where Christine and I-, sometimes…sleep!" The Phantom said.

"We've slept together?" Christine said innocently.

"Yes." The phantom lied. "A few times, actually. And if you don't mind me saying…you were _spectacular._" Will choked, and Elizabeth swooned.

"You, vermin, will sleep wherever you can find a flat area. Miss Swann, you will sleep on the spare bed down a few grottos, Mr. Turner, wherever you can find also, and dim-wit over there can sleep in the boat tied to the grotto."

"What's going on tomorrow?" Elizabeth asked lightheartedly.

"Nothing, as long as you _outsiders_ don't mess up my image I've tried so hard to create."

Elizabeth winked at the phantom before departing, and then walked off, swinging her hips as widely as possible with every step.

"What are we going to do for work? Shouldn't we contribute while we're here?" Will asked.

"Goody Two Shoes…" Jack muttered.

"Well, I'll have to find _something_ for you people to do while you're here. Something…inconspicuous…"


	3. The First Morning

In the middle of the night, Elizabeth turned over in bed, unable to sleep. Her, thoughts were too caught up on the Phantom. She loved everything about him, his rippling muscles, his steely eyes…his slick black hair…if only that little Christine brat would flee the scene, _then_ her seducing would be complete. She rolled over once more, trying not to let her overhanging arm touch Will, who was sleeping on the floor next to the bed.

Her and Will were not exactly on the best of terms…specifically, their relationship was, goodbye, auf wiedersehen, adieu, adios! You get the picture…Will still loved her, of course, but her beady little eyes were set on the Phantom. Norrington was being _extremely_ annoying to sleep in the same room with. He kept sleep-talking. About an hour ago was the attack of the whales, and an hour before that was the club where only dogs could join. His next phase should be anytime now…

Sure enough…

"Monkeys…MONKEYS!!!" Norrington shouted aloud. Elizabeth jerked in her bed, annoyed at the procession of the evening's events. The boat in which he slept rocked back and forth, causing waves in the water, and causing the water to slosh onto the shallow grotto, almost hitting Elizabeth every time.

Norrington rolled over again, causing a larger wave to begin to roll. _Was no one noticing this?!_ Elizabeth thought. Norrington snored loudly, followed by a phrase that sounded something like:

"Why yes Mrs. Finnigan, I'd be happy to walk you across the street."

"_THAT'S IT!"_ Elizabeth thought furiously. She sat up in the bed and looked for something to throw. She found a sharp fountain pen on the nightstand, picked up with a smirk, and chucked it vigorously at Norrington. There was a sudden, "GAHHHH!" as the pen stabbed into Norrington's skin and then a _splash_ as he toppled out of the gondola and into the lake.

The water came splashing forward all over Elizabeth and Will. Elizabeth shrieked as the cold water hit her. As Will came to, choking and sputtering, and looking greatly annoyed at being woken by a wave of cold water he glared up at Elizabeth.

"_What_ is going on?!"  
"Nothing William, go back to bed." She said curtly. "Go on back to bed like a good boy; we don't want to wake all the others."

Will rolled his eyes and sighed, but sure enough he lay down on the ground again and was out in seconds. Elizabeth lay down again in the damp bed, feeling satisfied and listened to Norrington splash back into the boat, muttering as he got back into the boat.

"Stupid Mrs. Finnigan…all I wanted to do was help her…and she hit me with her purse…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next morning was an experience in itself. Want to know why? Well, we'll tell you. Christine lay snugly in the beautiful silver swan bed (in only a bodice…guess why. Ooh scandalous, right?). She opened her eyes and looked around, she was all alone but she distinctly remembered someone lying next to her and removing all her clothes last night…she decided it had only been a dream.

She put her arms behind her head, and sat in silence for a moment, thinking. Suddenly, she felt the sheets tighten and pull away from her slightly. She ignored the movement, and continued daydreaming. She heard a clatter behind her, and she sat up, and looked around behind the headboard, and saw nothing.

She dismissed the thought, _again_, because she's stupid like that…and when she turned around, she saw, to her horror…Norrington sitting two inches from her face, with a huge grin on his face.

"MORNIN' SLEEPY-HEAD!" He said in an enthusiastic tone.

Christine let out a bloodcurdling scream, and everyone was instantly awake.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Norrington fell backwards off the bed in surprise, with a, "gah!" and the Phantom was instantly around the corner. He'd already been up for a few hours, because that's just how he rolls. The first thing he saw made him assume something…not good. Christine, half naked, Norrington on the floor panting. What would _you_ assume?

Before Norrington could make another move, the Phantom's hand was around his neck, and dangling him off of the ground.

"_What are you doing you idiot?"_ he hissed furiously.

"Not-anything-sir-can't-_breathe_!" Norrington gasped.

"Did this buffoon harm you, Christine?"

"No. He just scared me." Christine said. "Let him go."

The Phantom released his grip and Norrington fell to the floor, hyperventilating and massaging his neck. Will turned the corner, yawning.

"Wassamatter?" he said drowsily.

"It's all over now…sailor boy, I mean…_Mr. Turner_." Will sneered back and said,

"Good morning to you too ol' Scarface."

The Phantom decided to ignore the rude comment, and continued on to sit at the organ. He was about to adjust the fixtures on the pipe, and begin playing, but…someone was on top…

Jack was snoring loudly on top of the organ, causing a severe problem in playing. Suddenly, the Phantom had a wickedly splendid idea…he cracked his knuckles, wiggled his fingers a few times. Then he pushed the tail of his coat out of the way before sitting down. After sitting down, he raised his hands slowly above the desired chord, glanced one more time at Jack, and proceeded to slam his fingers down on the organ as hard as he could. The chord thundered through the grottos, echoing everywhere, causing one of the loudest noises anyone had ever heard. They all covered their ears and yelled in annoyance.

Jack was seized upward with a loud yelp of horror. He rolled sideways stiffly on to the rock floor. The Phantom gave a wicked grin. He waltzed over casually behind the organ, and stared down at Jack, who was shuddering on the floor with his knees up under his chin.

The Phantom leaned forward and said, "Good morning, _Captain_."

Jack's eyes were whiter than snow and as large as roulette wheel. The intensity of the noise had knocked him completely speechless.

"Good, while you can't talk, I have a bit of business to speak to you about. You see Sparrow, you and your…comrades have interfered with a deeply intricate plan that took me _months _to plan out. It's pretty much unfixable now, and normally, I'd just kill you. But seeing as two of you are a woman and a mentally challenged, invalid, that'd just be inhumane. _So…_" Jack relaxed a little bit, and stopped shuddering.

"Because I'm going to be nice enough to give you a responsibility and a job whilst you are staying here with me. _Got it, ingrate?_"

Jack nodded a petrified 'yes.'

"All right now, so that means _you_, specifically, since you have already screwed up more than the others combined, you will be my personal…slave." Jack lifted his head slightly.

"And so, imbecile, that means you will do _exactly as I say_ to the absolute 't'. _Understand?_" he snarled, grabbing Jack by the shirtfront. Jack paused, and thought for a few minutes.

"By exactly…do you mean, exactly, exactly?"  
"YES!" the Phantom said sternly.

Jack gulped and nodded. "Yes, sir, Phantom…sir."

"Good." The Phantom said with a pleased smile. "And that's _Mr._ Phantom to you." He released Jack and walked away.

The Phantom stood in the middle of the lair and called everyone.

"Everyone, all you pirate ingrates, and my beloved Christine, get out here!"

Jack, Will, Elizabeth, Norrington and a sleepy Christine all stumbled out towards the Phantom's call.

"What do you _want_?" Will sighed.

"Yes…" Elizabeth smiled flirtatiously. "I know what I want. What _do _you want?"

"I have a compass that-,"

The Phantom slapped Jack to silence him.

"Oh my, will you all just _shut up for a second?_" Jack turned his head away, ashamedly. Norrington piped up, really chipper…

"For, the record, I haven't said anything! Until now…"

"Norrington?" Elizabeth said.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up." Norrington sneered at her, but obeyed.

"All right then, let's talk about where I'm going to put you…barbarians while you're here. Elizabeth," he turned to her. She smiled eagerly. "You're a very beautiful woman with a nice…hourglass figure," he had noted that last night. "You'll be a chorus girl. I've already sent a note up to Madame Giry, the ballet mistress. You can start today."

"Oh, Monsieur Phantom, you do know how to flatter a girl." Elizabeth blushed, swinging her hip out at him.

He gave a weird stare and then turned away. "Right, then. Will, you look like a sturdy lad so you'll be a scene-shifter. You can start today, but I swear if you ever listen to that idiot Buquet's story about me, I'll kill you."

"Hoo-rah."

The Phantom rolled his eyes and turned to Jack with repulse.

"You…you loathsome creature, are my servant, as I already explained. I'll be keeping an eye on you at all times, got it?"

"Yes sir." Jack said.

"Come on Jack! Don't let yourself be controlled by 'The Man'." Norrington shouted.

They all stared at him blankly. Christine whispered to Will, "Who's The Man?" and Will just shook his head.

"YOU, you…idiotic…tosspot. Well, you're a bit harder to place, seeing as you have the mental ability of a chipmunk and the attention span of a worm."

Norrington smiled, "I'm a chipmunk?! Really?!" then he proceeded to squeal and chatter like a chipmunk as he ran around the room.

"Oh please kill me. Please." The Phantom murmured.

"What are you gonna do with him?"

"Offer him up as a sacrifice." Jack suggested.

"While that's a good idea," the Phantom said. "I had something else in mind. Costume assistance, it's so easy a toddler could do it. All he has to do is set the costumes out for the actors. Can you manage that, Norrington?"

"I sure can!" he said in a chipmunk voice.

"Good. Well all of you can go now, except you Christine," he smiled at her lovingly. "I'll escort you back myself." She gave a confused smile and Elizabeth fumed with jealousy.

As they walked upstairs, Elizabeth swore to herself she would not stop until she replaced that little snit Christine in the gorgeous Phantom's swan bed.


	4. First Day On The Job

A/N: Oh yeah, we forgot to mention one of our patrons…one of the great inventors of this messed up story. Alison Bowe, we love you scallywag! Oh, and if no one catches this, Joseph Buquet in POTO is played by Kevin McNally, who incidentally, plays Mr. Gibbs in POTC. Haha….didn't know if you'd catch that…

--End note--

The course of the day turned out to be…well, in a few words…A DISASTER. But what did you expect? A bunch of callous, selfish, ruthless pirates, (and Norrington) shoved into a world where everything is civilized, orderly, and _clean_.

Let's start with Elizabeth, shall we? Her newly assigned job as a chorus girl did not go well. First, she started fighting with all of the others, and calling them 'sluts.' Then Madame Giry got mad at her choreography, and yelled at her in front of all of the girls, resulting in Elizabeth imitating her as she left the room, which resulted in Madame Giry hitting her over the head with her cane. Then for the rest of the rehearsal, Elizabeth snuck out of line, and sat backstage with an icepack on her head.

Norrington…eh…he was the costume directors…assistant…manager? What's the word I'm looking for? How about…_incompetent assistant._ ALL he had to do was lay out the costumes that the chorus girls and leading voices had to change into, but OF COURSE, he just thinks he so fashion savvy. So he mixed and matched all of the costumes, resulting in the costumes looking like something threw up out of _Alice in Wonderland._ If anyone didn't know any better, they'd think he was gay.

Will was a stagehand, and since he was a rigger on the _Black Pearl_, he knew how to tie all of the knots, and secure all of the riggings. But when one of his fellow employees made a mistake, which he considered to be _not qualified,_ he'd blow his top, because of his newfound cynicism and bitterness.

"NO! Imbecile! The Shankar's knot goes like _this!_ Make a loop, around the tree three times, and into the hole! Idiot!" Will's shouts echoed through the stage.

"Pardon _me…_sir!" Buquet said back sarcastically.

"Get to it Gibbs!" Will shouted back.

"Gibbs?" Buquet wondered to himself as Will stomped away.

Now for Jack…the Phantom gave him a…_special_ assignment.

"Mr. Sparrow, or, excuse me, _Captain_, you have an important assignment." Jack scowled, and folded his arms childishly. The Phantom handed him a pair of chopsticks.

"Now...take these…_not like that you insidious…_! That's it…now, you will catch-"the Phantom lifted up a small jar with a single fly in it. "This fly, with these chopsticks, and once you do that, you can do _anything_!" Jack held up the chopsticks at eye level, and then gave the Phantom a puzzled look.

"Really?"

"_Yes!_ Yes…you can do anything I can do!"

"Is that how you became like that…likes yourself? An accomplished murderer and, and, and, and, sneak?" The Phantom pursed his lips.

"Yes…"

"So…can I have a cape, like you?"

"Sure…"

"But I don't want that _face_! EW! If I'm gonna be like you, I'm _not_ having that face!" the Phantom gritted his teeth.

"_No_…Just catch the fly!" the Phantom swiped the chopsticks out of Jack's hands, and threw them at him with impressive force.

"AAHH!" Jack squealed. "Was that really necessary?"

……………………………………………………………………………………………....

The Gala for II Muto was two nights away. And thanks to our four incompetents on stage, no one was ready. Because of this, everyone was forced to stay and rehearse until two in the morning. This was making everyone very irritable…making things worse than normal…if that was possible.

Madame Giry was at the end of her rope with Elizabeth. All Elizabeth did was criticize the other girls, call them names, and make eyes at their boyfriends. So Madame Giry decided to demote her to the most demeaning, small level possible. Her assistant…slave.

"DEMOTE ME?! WHAT? I'VE ONLY BEEN HERE LIKE…ONE DAY!" Elizabeth shrieked.

"And within that short time you have destroyed my entire ballet corps! So NOW as your punishment you will do EVERYTHING I tell you! Got it?" Madame shouted at her.

"But-,"

"EVERYTHING!"

"But I-,"

"And you will start by going into the backstage linen closet and getting me the rouge bucket!"

Elizabeth glowered at her, but turned around and began to walk backstage, furiously. She heard a few chorus girls snigger at her on the way, this made her angrier. She noticed one of their boyfriends standing near, seized him by his collar, and kissed him smack on the mouth….right in front of the girlfriend.

"Oooh…" the man said in a drunken voice as Elizabeth walked away.

"PIERRE! How could you?!!" she heard the chorus girl burst into tears, and she gave a satisfied smile as she walked off.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"So, Jack, I'll leave you to your little _task_." The Phantom laughed at Jack's stupidity, as Jack swiped frantically in midair trying to catch the measly fly. The Phantom walked briskly and silently through the maze of hallways behind the stage, planning on going to bother the managers to let Christine sing the lead in Il Muto. He turned a corner, only to see Elizabeth's foot sticking out of a doorway.

"Come...ON!" the Phantom peered around the doorframe to see Elizabeth reaching as high as she could for a bucket on the highest shelf.

"Mademoiselle Swan?" he asked.

Elizabeth spun around so quickly she knocked over several brooms. She smiled flirtatiously and smoothed her hair over rapidly.

"Oh…hello _Monsieur_ Phantom, I didn't see you come in."

"You weren't supposed to." He told her. "Do you…er…need help there?" he gestured to the bucket. She looked up at it and turned around with a fake helpless smile.

"Yes, that awful Madame Giry made me get it…but it's not my fault I'm so small." She said with a pretend pout.

Trying not to roll his eyes, the Phantom said, "All right I'll help you." He walked over to the shelf and Elizabeth moved aside. He was really tall, but still had to stretch a bit. As he stretched upwards Elizabeth bent forward, getting a very good look at him. Unable to resist, she reached forward and gave the side of his thigh a hard pinch.

"Gah!" the Phantom yelled in shock, stumbling backwards, the bucket falling with him. He whirled around at Elizabeth, who stood there with an innocent expression on her face. She put her hands behind her back quickly.

"Why'd you do that?" he asked.

"Do what?" she asked.

"Pinch me…agh…never mind, I need to leave…" he started to move forward, but she stood in front of him. He moved in the other direction, and she mirrored him, forcing him to stay inside. He sighed impatiently.

"Excuse me Mademoiselle Swan, but I-,"

Suddenly, Elizabeth put her hands on his shoulders and forced him against the opposite wall into a semi-sitting position. His eyes were huge with surprise as she leaned forward, pressing herself up against him.

"I just don't _understand_ why you waste your time with that Christine." She muttered, with her mouth and inch from his.

"Well, I-,"

His words were cut off by the most fiery, forceful kiss in the entire world. As soon as he felt tongue, he grabbed her shoulders lightly and shoved her away.

"Mademoiselle Swan…"

"Call me Lizzie." She breathed lustily.

"Er…all right, Lizzie. Listen, you're a very beautiful woman but my heart belongs to another."

Elizabeth gave a shrug. "That's _the only_ thing of yours that belongs to her …right?"

"Yes…"

"Then couldn't, something else of yours, perhaps…you know, belong to me."

The Phantom felt his face flush slightly at that statement. He was going to refuse but as he opened his mouth, Elizabeth put her finger over his lips.

"Before you answer, just remember that you haven't gotten and probably aren't going to get any from Christine. But I'll give you all you want because I _like_ you…I really, really _like_ you."

He thought for a minute and then shrugged. "Oh, why not?" then he leaned forward and kissed Elizabeth so intensely she squealed with delight. As these two began to make out in the closet--very fiercely might I add, you could hear things falling off shelves from a mile away--Jack was running down the hall trying to catch that stupid fly!

"COME HERE! YOU LITTLE BUGGER! I HATE YOU! AGHHHH!" he screamed in frustration, as he bolted down the hall, plowing over a few chorus girls in the act.

"Is that Jack?" The Phantom asked, pulling himself away from Elizabeth's lips, and breathing heavily.

"Does it matter?" she asked, trying to unfasten the buttons on his tailcoat.

"Well he's sort of my slave, so yes." The Phantom opened the closet door slightly and saw Jack leaping in the air with the chopsticks to catch the fly each time letting out a "Agggguuuhhh!!"

"_What_ is he doing?" Elizabeth wondered with repulse, pulling her sleeves back over her shoulders.

"Something I told him to do, to keep him busy." The Phantom shut the door. "Ah, I've got an idea."

"What-?"

"Shhh." He hushed her gently. He cleared his throat and called out loudly, "Jack?"

They heard Jack's yelling stop.

"Who's there?"

"Um…it's me, your conscience."

Jack let out a scared yelp. "Conscience….oh no I thought I got rid of you years ago! What are you doing here?! Leave me alone!"

"Jack, are you doing what the Phantom asked you?"

"I'm trying to, but it's SO HARD!"

"Well keep trying…" the Phantom said, Elizabeth looked at him longingly. "Uh…upstairs, in the rafters, try it up there, it'll work better."

Jack sighed, "Do I have to?"

"YES YOU DO YOU IM-I mean…yes, Jack, you do." The Phantom forced his voice to be calm.

"Fine…" they heard the chopsticks start clicking again. "COME HERE YOU EVIL FLY!" Jack's yelling drowned out as he ran away.

As the Phantom turned back around Elizabeth's arms were instantly around his neck, her lips massacring his as she tried to pull him to the ground.

"Elizabeth…Elizabeth…stop…wait!" he pulled her away.

"No! I can't wait….not now!" she growled. "Don't you want to do it?"

"Yes, of course…but not _here_…we need a better location." He took her hand, opened the door, and looked around. No one was back there, so he led her into the hallway and started hurrying her down towards his lair.


	5. Il Muto the Soap Opera

A/N: Thank you so much for your reviews! They mean so much! Dani Jones got a death threat so we updated quickly. Don't worry, she's fine. This chapter is FULL of good stuff! Enjoy the chaos…and violence.

-Dani Jones and Phantom EvRose

Elizabeth rolled over in the velvet sheets of the Phantom's bed. She groped for the Phantom's arm, but she missed, and her arm fell limp onto the bed. She opened her eyes slowly, and glanced around the room, remembering the guilty pleasure of last night.

"Oh yeah…." She muttered to herself. She smirked madly. "_That_ was fun…" she grabbed the top blanket off of the bed, threw it around her, and swung her feet out of the bed. Distantly, she could hear the organ playing.

She turned the corner onto the next grotto, and saw a man sitting at the organ. She approached him slowly, hiking the blanket lower on her body, and glided over to the Phantom sitting at the organ. She arrived at his person, and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"Last night was absolutely-"the Phantom turned around, and…well…it wasn't the Phantom. Elizabeth let out a surprised shriek.

"Elizabeth…this is so…sudden!" said a Phantom-look-alike Norrington. He smiled ridiculously, and gestured towards the couch. "She just loves it when I play!" Elizabeth looked at the couch, and saw the mannequin lying awkwardly and stiffly on the couch. Norrington blushed, and turned back towards the organ. Elizabeth grabbed his shoulder, and yanked him back around.

"_WHY_ are you dressed like the Phantom? Where is he?!" she shouted at Norrington.

"Please! You must stop shouting at me in front of her!" he gestured back to the mannequin.

"WHO GIVES A-"the door burst open suddenly, and Christine came jogging in to the room.

"Mr. Turner! Mr. Turner! I'm wondering if you-"she stopped short, and glanced at Elizabeth in mid yell at Norrington, the mannequin lying stiffly on the couch, and Norrington dressed as the Phantom.

"I didn't mean to interrupt…um…I'll just-"she glanced at Elizabeth in her scantily-clad blanket. "What are you doing?" Elizabeth glanced down at the floor. Christine looked around; she noticed the Phantom's bed. It was unmade and disheveled which was weird because the Phantom-neat freak, perfectionist that he was-always made his bed. Christine looked back at Elizabeth, who had a smirk on her face.

"Did you…?"

"Sleep with your Phantom?" Elizabeth answered for her. "_Of course_. He begged me to."

Christine, because she's stupid, couldn't tell Elizabeth was lying. So she naturally, got upset. She stared at Elizabeth in confusion. Her lips were still turned up in the same gloating smirk.

"But I…I…I…thought…" Christine stuttered. Elizabeth sniggered rudely.

"Well you thought _wrong_ sweetie." She sneered. "He wants me now, a real woman, not a little girl who's scared of everything."

Christine stared down at her feet, feeling embarrassed and stupid.

"Now go along like a good girl and play high kick with your friend Meg." Elizabeth commanded her as if she were a dog. Christine looked up at Elizabeth angrily, but sure enough, she obeyed. Before leaving the lair through the secret door, she stopped and turned back to Elizabeth.

"I guess I have some things to reconsider." She said.

"Yeah, you do." Elizabeth snapped. And with a curt wave, "Buh-bye!"

Then Christine left. Norrington stood up, a frown on his face. He wagged his finger at Elizabeth.

"That was really mean! Jeez Elizabeth!" he 'scolded' her.

"Shut up, Norrington." Elizabeth rolled her eyes and smacked him hard across the arm before returning to the bedroom. As Norrington rubbed his hurt arm, he turned to his mannequin and said:

"Don't worry darling, I'm all right."

……………………………………………………

The Phantom was very busy tying ropes together, rigging heavy objects, and training Jack to not be so stupid.

"Now, _invalid_, tie this rope to that rigging over there, and unlock this door, and _make sure_ it stays unlocked. Got it?" he hissed.

"Yes sir, Mr. Phantom sir!" Jack mock saluted. The Phantom decided not to hit him.

"You haven't exactly told me what you're a Captain of. It's beyond me why anyone would ever even employ you as a Captain." The Phantom said. Jack spun on his boot heel, and faced the Phantom dead-on.

"Look here, scurvy one…_I_ am Captain Jack Sparrow of the _Black Pearl._ Raised from the depths of the ocean by Davy Jones himself. I am the best pirate ever made! I was even immortal once! I rallied and pillaged enough treasure to buy my own colony, but if the _Isle de Muerta_ wouldn't have capsized, I'd still have that treasure! I wouldn't be in this stupid world, working for you! You just….AGH!"

The Phantom paused. "Pirate?"

"Aye, _pirate._"

"I thought you were mad. You really are a pirate, eh?"

"Yup." The Phantom suddenly burst out into laughter. Jack's ego went right through the floor.

"Pirates have been nearly extinct for almost a hundred years! There's no pirates left in the Northern Hemisphere! If any pirates ever came within three miles of the shores of France, they'd be tried, and executed." Jack winced.

"Sounds like my home…" They let the subject drop.

"You're not a pirate. You're just a make-believer. A nutter, insaniac."

"I am too a real pirate!"

"Are not."

"Are too!"

"Not."

"Too!"

"JUST GET THIS DONE!" The Phantom suddenly shouted making Jack jump three feet.

"So-rry."

"If you mess this up…I swear…"

………………………………………………………..

"Curtain in fifteen minutes!" the stage manager shouted through the backstage. Christine just finished applying the last of her bright and obnoxious stage makeup, when the door opened.

"Christine! There you are! I've been looking for you all day! Are you all right?" Raoul rushed over to her and gave her a hug.

"Sure, I'm great…" Christine lied. Raoul looked down at her with a worried look in his blue eyes.

"Really…you don't sound fine, at all." He said. "What happened last night?"

"Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter." Christine replied.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes…I'm sure."

"Well, all right. How about you come to dinner with me tonight, like you were supposed to last night?" he asked with a smile. She thought for a minute, almost refusing but then she remembered that skank Elizabeth and that man-ho of an 'Angel of Music'.

"Yes Raoul, I'd _love to_." She said overzealously, hoping maybe the Phantom was in the mirror. And then she gave Raoul a big kiss on the cheek.

The Phantom was in fact behind the mirror…feeling very guilty too. And where did that STUPID Raoul dude come from?? Out of nowhere! He was foppish…like Will. The Phantom hated Will. So he hated Raoul now. Those two stupid FOPS! They were so…so…sane….and calm. Everyone else was crazy! Their sanity drove him INSANE!

Well, no matter what had happened with Elizabeth, the Phantom still loved Christine. And if Raoul tried to take her away from him, he'd pay for it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The three chorus members with three outstanding parts were walking up and down the corridor, rehearsing their lines, and laughing at various lesser actors standing around. Elizabeth was one of them, standing behind a large beam in the hallway, waiting for the girl to separate from the group of two men.

The girl did separate, and walked into her private dressing room. Elizabeth wanted a role in the show. She was _supposed_ to be in the show, but since Evil Madame Giry kicked her off the ballet corps, and cost her time on the stage.

The girl chorus member sat at her vanity, and began re-foofing her hair. Elizabeth crept up behind her with a pipe in her hand. Quickly, and quietly, she hit the girl over her head; stifled her scream with a rag (doused in chloroform for reassurance) and let the girl fall soundlessly down to the ground. Elizabeth leaned down to make sure she wasn't dead, (but if she was, she wouldn't care any which ways) and began to remove her clothing. Elizabeth coughed from the cloud of powder flying around the room from the woman's wig. She pulled the wig off of the woman's head, and more powder flew everywhere, again. She choked and coughed again, and began removing her own clothes, dressing herself in the woman's purple dress.

She finished in record time, and did a quick twirl in front of the mirror, hoping that no one would notice the powder stains all over the back, and a little blood on the hem.

Elizabeth clicked her tongue, almost feeling ashamed for attacking the woman, but the guilt didn't last. (Because she's EVIL! If you didn't catch that already…) she ran onto the stage just as the curtain rose. Overhearing the rehearsals again and again, Elizabeth knew the words. She joined the singing of the two male fops (she could SWEAR they were gay).

_"They say that this youth has set my lady's heart aflame!"_ Elizabeth sang, a bit off-key. Christine, behind the bed curtains of the prop bed, recognized that voice immediately and felt her insides twist.

_"His lordship sure will die of shock!"_

_"His lordship is a laughingstock!"_

_"Should he suspect her, God protect her, shame, shame, shame!" _Elizabeth finished her final solo and then the men joined her.

_"This faithless lady's bound Hades…shame, shame, shame!"_

The curtain opened, and Christine was immediately immersed in the role of the pageboy. Carlotta Guidicelli began to sing in her scratchy Bal Canto opera style.

_"Seraphimo, you're disguise in perfect!"_

The Phantom and Jack were above the stage in the rafters of the great chandelier, waiting for the 'opportune moment' as Jack so naively puts it.

"All right, you will pull this rope when I tell you to, okay stupid?" the Phantom ordered.

"What kind of idiot do you take me for?" Jack whined.

"Shh!" the Phantom ordered suddenly.

"What?" Jack said at normal volume.

"SHH!" the Phantom hissed again. "There's someone following us..." the Phantom took a few steps backwards and grabbed the intruder by his lapels, throwing him onto the floor in front of Jack and himself. The man gave out a squeal of surprise.

"NORRINGTON! YOU IDIOT!" He whispered loudly. A few of the audience members glanced up at the ceiling looking for where the shriek came from.

"I just wanna help!" Norrington squealed. "I wanna take masculinity lessons from you!" the Phantom paused and looked at Norrington with incredulously. Jack snickered.

Back on the stage, the opera progressed, Christine glaring at Elizabeth every chance she got. The Phantom pushed Jack and Norrington backwards away from the railing, preparing for his big moment of threatening the opera house managers.

"Whatcha doing?" Norrington asked.

"See that idiot over there…little further…yes, there. He's sitting in my box, and I'm going to get him out. By using my impeccable voice skills." The Phantom said.

"You're gonna sing to him? How sweet!" Norrington swooned. Jack swung his arm, and popped him on the head, causing him to lose consciousness.

"Watch and learn…" the Phantom whispered. He sucked in a big gulp of air before starting.

"DID I NOT INSTRUCT THAT BOX FIVE WAS TO BE LEFT, _EMPTY?_" The audience and cast gasped, and looked around for the source of the voice. Elizabeth swooned silently, and Christine rolled her eyes.

"Hey, that was pretty good." Jack said.

"Thank you." The Phantom replied. "Now…I'll just add some maniacal laughter, to complete the effect." Norrington suddenly woke up from consciousness.

"I wanna do it!" he yelled childishly. The Phantom leaned over to Jack.

"_How old is he?_" he demanded.

"I ask myself that everyday…" Jack replied.

"Can I do it? Please…_please!_" Norrington pleaded like a five-year-old begging for ice cream.

"All _right!_" He yelled. "Go ahead!"

"You know, we can _hear you!_" an audience member shouted from below.

Norrington seized his opportunity.

"Mwahaha…" Norrington laughed a deep and impressive laugh. Jack and the Phantom gaped at him.

"That was actually, pretty good…" the Phantom gasped.

"_Mwahaha_…"

"Okay, stop…"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"

"How do you make him stop?!" the Phantom yelled angrily.

"I know!" Jack reached over, and grabbed Norrington's shoulders, throwing him over the railing, and onto the stage. He continued laughing like a maniac while he fell. His laughter echoed through the auditorium, and stopped abruptly when he hit the bed, missing Carlotta by a few feet.

"AAHH!!!" she screamed. "Who is-a this? Why is he-a ruining my-a opera! THAT'S IT! I QUIT! FOR _REAL_ THIS TIME!"

"I should've pushed him a _little_ further…" Jack said. "I should've just hit her…"

"Nice thinking, ace." The Phantom said back.

Elizabeth stifled her laughter, as Christine tumbled off of the bed as Norrington bounced a few times. Elizabeth sat on the bed as the audience was no longer paying attention to the opera. Christine searched for the Phantom in the rafters.

"HEY! YOU! YEAH, _YOU!_ COME DOWN HERE, I WANNA--YOU IN THE MASK! LISTEN!"

The Phantom whirled around irritably, "WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU FREAK-," then he noticed it was Christine. "Oh…I mean…yes, my dear?"

"Don't you DARE 'my dear' ME, oh yeah, you heard me!"

"So-rry." The Phantom muttered.

"COME DOWN HERE, NOW! BOTH OF YOU!" she screamed. "YEAH THAT MEANS YOU, YOU DRUNKEN PIRATE MORON!" Jack glared at her.

"You know what mate, you have BAD taste in women." Jack told the Phantom.

"Don't I know it." The Phantom sighed. He untied a rope and swung nimbly down onto the stage. Up in the rafters Jack yelled, "Hey it took me FOREVER to tie that!" The Phantom landed on the stage like a cat, straightening up as the audience gasped.

Meg screamed and began to say her signature phrase:

"He's here! The Phantom of the-,"

Fed up, the Phantom whirled around on her furiously.

"YES IT'S ME! You stupid girl! Stop pointing out the PAINFULLY obvious every five seconds, will you? I swear, if your mother and I weren't friends…"

As Meg shuddered in terror and ran away, the audience gasped.

"I KNEW Madame Giry was guilty!"

"We should get her fired!"

Elizabeth raised her hand, "I second that!"

"NO WE SHOULD NOT!" Christine screamed and stormed over to the Phantom.

"Hello Christine…" he began to say nervously but was stopped as she slapped him across the face. In complete shock, he stood speechless. No one had ever done THAT before. Interrupting their fight, Jack fell to the stage letting out his warbled scream.

"Ouch…stupid....I hate...him." Jack murmured angrily.

"Hey, you, little bi-atch! Don't slap my lover!" Elizabeth leapt off the bed in rage.

"LOVER?!" The Phantom and Christine shouted.

"Yeah, he's my lover! All of you hear that?"

The audience made noises of 'ooh' and 'ah' at the scandalous news.

"What is wrong with you?" Christine snapped at the Phantom. "I thought you LOVED me?! You wanted me more than anyone…it's all right if you don't…but I thought you did…"

"I do love you!" The Phantom defended himself anxiously. Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

"Then WHY did you sleep with Elizabeth?" Christine screamed.

At that moment, the entire auditorium fell silent. Everyone stared at the Phantom and Elizabeth in shock. The Phantom's face was turning a bride shade of crimson.

"Um…Christine…NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT!" he burst.

"Oh, well, sorry! We all know now! Here he is everyone, the Man-Ho of the Opera!" Christine said to the audience, pointing at the Phantom.

"The WHAT? Shut up you stupid little…" he began, but was cut off by Elizabeth, who was still on the bed. They looked over at her.

"You know Christine?" she started, laying back on the bed into a sexy pose. "This bed is so soft…"

"Yeah, so?" Christine snapped.

"But it's not nearly as soft as the Phantom's."

Elizabeth hardly had any time to give a wicked laugh because Christine let out a shriek of rage and tackled Elizabeth, sending them both head first into the stage. Christine grabbed Elizabeth's wig, ripped it off and started yanking on her hair.

"AHHHHHH!! STOP IT!!" Elizabeth screamed. Everyone's eyes were now glued to the catfight in front of them.

"Oh boy! This is better than sword fighting!" Jack cheered, coming to stand next to the Phantom.

"It will be better if their clothes come off." Will said, coming out of nowhere.

"Where have you been?" Jack asked.

Will shrugged. "Around."

Dismissing both of them, the Phantom lunged forward and tried to pry the two women off each other.

"Ladies…stop…please…we can work this out…AGHHH!" he leapt backwards as Christine's nails sliced into his hand. As the audience cheered and shouted all around him, the Phantom tried to clean his bleeding hand with his shirt.

"ERIK!!!!!!!!!!!" a furious French accent screeched. He looked up in horror.

"Oh no…"

"YOUR NAME IS ERIK?!" about a dozen people shouted in shock.

"Umm…yes." The Phantom winced as Madame Giry came stomping out, whacking her cane around.

"Erik! You stupid, idiot! You exposed our secret! What on earth is wrong with you! You good for nothing ba-," Madame Giry stopped when she felt a strong yank on her long braid. She whipped around to see Norrington, laughing mischievously.

"WHAT are you doing?!" she demanded.

"You have a cool braid." He laughed and pulled it again. She drew herself up to her full height, which wasn't very tall.

"You 'ad better watch eet leetle man!" she warned him.

"Hahahah!" Norrington snickered. "Or what, you'll hit me with your cane?"

Madame Giry narrowed her eyes, "_Exactamonde_."

"What's that-AAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Norrington screamed as Madame Giry began to bludgeon him across the head with her cane.

"YOU STUPID LITTLE BRITISH MAN! I WILL KEEL YOU!"

The Phantom jumped forward and pulled her off. "ANTOINETTE STOP IT!"

Then Will, finally deciding to do something, managed to rip Christine and Elizabeth off each other. Elizabeth had a bloody lip, Christine had a swollen cheek. Christine burst into tears and ran away. Raoul left his box and followed her.

"Where are they going?" Jack asked above the noise.

"To the roof." The Phantom answered, stepping over an almost dead Norrington.

"I wanna come!" Jack said.

"Fine." The Phantom said, sick of arguing.


	6. A Ballad Gone Wrong

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long, we've been lacking inspiration, (and school, the dominant evil is taking over our lives!!!) and a few hospital visits and whatever. Dani Jones just had a seizure…but _other than that_, we've just been lazy. Well here ya go!

Dani Jones & Phantom EvRose

--End Note--

Jack and Erik were shoving each other in an attempt to get up the stairs and to the rooftop first.

"Why are we even following them?" Jack yelled as they were ascending. Erik stopped, and turned to face him.

"_You_ don't have to be following them. This is _my_ business, none of yours! So just…stay…_there!_" he pointed harshly to the foot of the stairs.

"No." Jack crossed his arms across his chest like a child. "You told me to come, so I'm coming!"

"I DID NOT TELL YOU TO COME! YOU CAME ON YOUR OWN!"

"YOU SAID WE WERE PARTNERS!"

"I SAID YOU WERE MY SLAVE!"

"SAME DIFFERENCE!"

"NO, IT'S REALLY NOT!"

Jack opened his mouth in preparation for his next yell, but closed it, and solemnly said, "You're right."

"There! Now…if you'll just return to the stage and have fun calming the diva…" Erik smirked, and turned back towards the ascending stairs. Jack looked defeated.

"Okay then…I leaves you to your bonny lass…" Jack turned towards the descending stairs and walked down the stairs at glacial pace.

_Finally, the ingrate has some sense._ Erik thought. Erik ran up two stairs at a time, speeding towards the roof. Jack turned to watch him after three stairs, and made up his mind.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

"_Raoul I've been there,_

_To his world of unending night;_

_To a world where the daylight dissolves into darkness,_

_Darkness…"_

"Christine…it must have been a dream. There are no such things as ghosts."

"I know! He's not a ghost, DUH! He just calls himself that! He touched me…a lot…"

Raoul did a double take, _"_He _what_?"

She rolled her eyes. "No, not like that, you pervert! Anyways, he's just a man…a crazy…deformed…obsessive…man."

Behind the statue Erik was banging his fists into the rock, gnashing his teeth furiously. By the way…he was behind a statue of Pegasus on the opera's roof, spying on the young lovers. Erik was peering further and further around the statue, pushing his luck of staying hidden, when…

"Hiya."

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!" Erik fell straight backwards onto his back yelping, and gasping for air. Jack, who appeared out of nowhere in particular, was standing opposite of him smiling.

"Whatcha doing?" he bounced.

Erik clutched his chest, taking a few moments to look up at the ingrate.

"Trying to…..get over….a heart attack…." He hyperventilated; Jack didn't move.

"So…whatcha doing now?" he asked after Erik had recovered. Erik balled up his fist, ready to punch Jack.

"I'm _trying,_ but not _succeeding_, in spying!"

"…on that lass? Er, Christine, right?" Erik rolled his eyes, and lowered his fist. "Why are you trying to spy on her in the first place? What, is she cheating on you or something?" Erik gave out a small chuckle.  
"No….I just…..she…..hmm…" he trailed off, and rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.

"Oh no, I remember! You cheated on _her_!"

Erik groaned, "Thanks for bring that _back_."

Jack grimaced, feeling bad for bringing back bad memories. He put his hand on Erik's shoulder. "For what it's worth mate, I think you're a great slave master."

"Thanks." Erik said in a monotone. He looked at Jack's hand, looked back at him and hissed, "_Touch me and I'll garrote you!_"

Jack yanked his hand back in fear. "You see, _this_ is why no one likes you. You're always so violent and mean to people and you hurt their feelings!"

Erik glared at him. "You're out of line."

"_I'm _out of line?!! I'm not the one who thinks they can manipulate everyone! And then when they don't get their way, just decide to go and strangle people! You're just like this girl I knew, she liked to control _everything_ and it made EVERYONE hate her…"

While Jack was having a meltdown at Erik, Christine and Raoul were in the middle of their lovely love ballad. She could distantly hear angry voices, but being her and being caught up in the moment, she continued to ignore them.

Now back to Jack and Erik's fight…

"And THAT'S why you are a hated, underground, reclusive little…rat."

Erik growled, grabbed Jack by his lapels, and slammed him so hard against the back of the statue that he could taste blood. In a deadly calm, quiet voice, Erik spoke to Jack.

"Listen to _me_ you little…mooncalf, how _dare you speak about things you have no idea about! _You've only been here what? Two days? You've got no _idea_ what I've been through, so _shut up!_"

Jack gave a sardonic snigger. "Yeah, like I'm gonna obey you! I'm not as dumb as you think I am."

"You're right." Erik let him down with a thud. "You're _dumber._"

It was Jack's turn now. With much less violence and agility, Jack grabbed Erik by his cloak and threw him up against the statue, in the very same place he had just been. Erik looked annoyed, but not in any real pain. Jack started to scream psychotically.

"Stop calling me names! It's so annoying! You think you're so cool, with all your fancy insults! Who even USES words like ingrate or mooncalf?! MOONCALF! Honestly! I've never even heard of that word! I can insult too! Wanna hear?"

Erik sighed and said in a bored voice, "Not really, but I assume you're going to do it anyways."

"YOU BET I AM! You are a…mean…violent…ugly…creepy…stalker, who has nothing better to do than manipulate teenage girls and kill people!"

Apparently, the insult stung Erik more than he would have thought, because with a noise of irritation, he lunged forward, grabbed Jack and shoved him against the statue again.

"YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST LIVING THING I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF MEETING! I WANT TO HANG YOU FROM A RACK AND TEAR OFF YOUR LIMBS!"

"SEE? What did I say? VIOLENT!!" Jack screamed back. "All you want to do is KILL PEOPLE! I bet that's why you're up here! You wanna kill that poor little Raoul guy! He never even did anything to you!"

Erik glowered. "Yes he did! He stole the only person I've ever loved!"

"No! Because apparently you don't love her seeing as you GOT IT ON with little Miss Pirate Slut!" Jack retorted.

"SHUT UP!" Erik screamed and pulled back his fist to punch Jack, but for the first time, Jack was quick and ducked away. So Erik's fist slammed into the statue. He leapt back, shaking his fist and groaning with pain. They were now standing parallel to the statue.

"Haha!" Jack said childishly.

"I said SHUT UP!" Erik shoved Jack, he hit the statue.

"YOU SHUT UP!" Jack shoved Erik.

As this was happening…the Pegasus statue was beginning to topple over…more…and more…and more…until it looked like the leaning tower of Pisa. And it was leaning _right _over Raoul's head. Christine actually noticed this.

"Raoul…" she pointed worriedly.

"Christine, it's okay, you're safe now!"

And as he said this, it was the final straw for Jack and Erik, who had absolutely _no idea_ the statue was about to kill Raoul.

"You know what you really are?" Jack asked.

"Please, enlighten me!"

"You're a…freak!"

That was it. Erik let out a horrible yell of anger, and slammed his fist into the statue. _Crack…crack…crack…_the noise came as the foundation slowly crumbled…

"YOU STUPID PIRATE!" Erik seized Jack by his collar, as the statue slowly, but steadily…came crashing down on top of poor, little Raoul as Christine watched in horror. The noise was deafening, but Erik and Jack noticed nothing, until Christine finally made noise.

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! RAOUL!" she let out the LOUDEST, most EAR SHATTERING scream you had ever heard. Seething with anger, she looked forward and saw Erik holding Jack up in the air, still _hardly _noticing anything.

"You're dead, Jack! I swear!" Erik was shouting at him. Jack noticed through his peripheral vision that the mass of rock that formed a statue was missing.

"Um…mate…"

"_WHAT?_!" He yelled. Jack motioned with one finger towards the crumpled form of Raoul and the mortified face of Christine. Erik's grip loosened on Jack's shirt, and the pirate fell to the roof with a dull _thud_, instantly pointing a dirty, ringed, finger at Erik. Erik didn't move, but rolled his eyes at Jack's pointing finger.

"Christine…it's not what it looks like…"

"Oh, okay so you DIDN'T JUST CRUSH MY BOYFRIEND WITH A THREE HUNDRED POUND STATUE?!" she exploded.

"It's a little bit heavier than that…" Erik begun, but Christine's lips began to quiver, and he quickly changed his turn of phrase. "No, I'm sorry, dear…my dear Christine…" he stepped forward to touch her shoulder, but she shrunk away furiously.

"Don't you dare 'my dear' me! RAOUL'S UNDER A STATUE!"

"Oh, so you care more about him then me?" Erik asked in a hurt voice.

Christine paused for a second and burst out, "YES I DO!"

Erik's eyes lowered to the ground and he gave a sad sigh. Jack looked down, all they could see was Raoul's squirming, purple hand, and they could hear a muffled, "Help!"

"Yeah…that's not good." Jack frowned. "It's his fault, _completely._" Erik shot him a deathly look.

"You know what…?" he began to threaten.

"Can you two STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN FOR FIVE SECONDS AND GET IT OFF OF HIM?!" Christine screeched in impatience.

"Yes, yes, yes! Calm down, ridiculous girl! We'll save your _precious_ Vicomte." Erik waved her demands off uncaringly and motioned for Jack to help him. They knelt down on either side of the statue and started to pry up the heavy stone. Erik did it quite effortlessly, but Jack's face was already going various shades of red.

"Almost…got it…" Erik muttered as they further pulled up the statue.

"Can't…breathe…" Jack gasped.

As they struggled, they heard footsteps coming up the roof. Will walked out of the door, and came over very slowly towards Christine. He gave a sigh, and talking in an extremely bored voice with his eyes closed he began a very unenthusiastic spiel.

"The short manager with the heart problems has sent me to inform you that if Christine doesn't return in three minutes, then she'll be dismissed from the cast, and…" opening his eyes and noticing Jack and Erik lifting up a statue off of Raoul, he stopped talking and furrowed his brow.

"Um…." was all Will could say, and he pointed at the statue.

Christine, Erik, and Jack stared at each other for a moment, and then began to try and explain…all at once. It sounded something like this.

"Well you see I…"

"Well you see…he did it…"

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"….dropped the statue…Raoul…"

"…totally tragic…not my fault…"

"Christine…traitor…idiot…"

That was Jack and Erik. Christine's explanation was nothing but a series of unintelligible wailings and shrieks, which sounded like a cross between the Ring Wraiths and a bunch of squealing hogs. After they were finally all quiet, Will stood, dumbfounded.

"Wait…what?" he asked, having not caught a word.

"Do we have to explain it again?" Jack moaned.

"Again! You never…ugh…never mind! I don't care. All I know is that I'm supposed to get Christine, or else she's fired, and so am I."

"And that would be _so_ devastating to your career." Erik sneered.

"Stow it. Look, just get the statue off of the guy and get back downstairs before I lose my measly paycheck." Erik grunted, and he and Jack continued to lift the statue off of Raoul.

This was not as easy as it seemed.

The statue weighed at _least_ three hundred pounds, and between the strength of Erik, and the weakness of Jack, Will had to help just to get it to budge. The statue had begun to clear about two inches of Raoul with Christine spoke.

"There, there Raoul…it's okay…we'll be away from this evil man soon."

Erik lost it.

He dropped his end of the statue, causing the other two to lose their ends, ultimately causing the statue to fall on Raoul once more. He emitted a muffled scream, and then fell silent once more. Christine gave out a whimper.

"Let me explain something to you, missy…"

"No! Get this off Raoul or I'll never speak or sing to you again! I'll never sing on-stage! I'll leave the Opera Populaire!"

There was a pause.

"You wouldn't…" he whispered.

"I would." She shrieked. "Now, do it!" Erik's heart wrenched as he lifted the statue off of Raoul; nobody spoke. The statue cleared Raoul, and he was left lying unconscious and bleeding. The closest synonym would be a glass figure smashed into a thousand tiny pieces.

"Now, Will," she said sweetly. "Please go and fetch a doctor or at least something to carry him to a bed chamber."

"Of course Christine. Oh, and remember…three minutes." He glanced at Erik from the corner of his eye, and then proceeded down the stairs.

"I'll just…." Jack began.

"GO!" she shouted with gusto at Jack. He jumped, and scampered down the stairs. It was just Erik and her facing each other.

"You will go now." She whispered.

"Christine…"

"Go back to your pirate whore!" she spat suddenly. He looked at her for a silent moment, and then, hiding the tears behind his mask, walked to the top of the stairs.

"You shan't see me again, I guess."

"I'm hoping so."

And then the Phantom of the Opera ran down the stairs, letting the tears roll off of his face, and splatter the stairs on the way back to his dismal lair.

_And on one saw the Phantom again for three long months._


	7. Bal Masque Fiasco

A/N: We're so sorry for the delay…we've both been…well…busy. The summer's been much more demanding than initially thought. Anyways, sorry for the sad ending of the previous chapter, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN! (Most likely…) But, we need some more feedback, because we're beginning to feel like we're drifting. So, here's the next screwed up chapter! Enjoy! (Or else.) *smiles

Erik's forehead was beginning to get sweaty from resting it on his arm for a long time. He spent a lot of time in silence nowadays, since Christine had kicked him to the curb. He wanted to be alone but all the pirates insisted on staying with him. So he spent every day with Will, Jack and Norrington and every night with Elizabeth. They all tried to cheer him up, but nothing worked. He just stayed depressed, writing music, taking drugs and drinking a lot (to Jack's delight).

Norrington had devoted all of his spare time to dressing the mannequin, and making new outfits for her. He had a horrible taste in mixing and matching, however. As the New Year approached, he was working furiously on making a costume for himself for the Bal Masque. On the night of the masquerade, Jack could no longer put up with the gloomy Erik.

"That's it mate! You've got to pull yourself together. As your best friend, I feel obligated to give-"

Erik cut Jack off irritably. "_Best friend?_ Ha! What makes you think we're friends, let alone _best_ friends?"

Jack shrugged, "I'm about all you've got. Unless you wanna count the moron and his doll and Elizabeth-the-skank. And William…! Well, everything's wrong with him because he's perfectly _sane_! I hate it!"

"I have no friends." Erik snapped.

"Yes you do. You need them. Everyone does."

"I do _not need friends_."

"YES YOU DO! AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE THEM AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!" Jack screamed at him. Erik jumped a little bit at Jack's sudden outburst.

"Now, let's get you ready for the ball!" Jack said, cheerful again.

"No." Erik said bluntly, stood up and walked away.

"You are such a downer! I'm sick of it!" Jack groaned.

"Then leave!" Erik shouted.

"You leave!"

"Fine, I will!" Erik snapped and started to walk away but then he stopped. "Wait a second, this is MY house! YOU two, get OUT!"

"I'm disinclined to acquiesce to that request." Jack said.

Erik stared at him blankly.

"Wow Jack, I never thought you could say such big words."

"Yeah, I even shock myself sometimes." Jack grinned proudly.

There was suddenly a loud noise from outside. Norrington bolted over to the little window and peered out.

"FIREWORKS!" he squealed. "Oh! Oh! Can we _please go_ see them? I'll do anything!"

"Really?" Erik asked with a sly smile.

"Don't get any ideas, pal." Jack glared at him. Then he turned to Norrington, who was on his knees begging like a puppy. "Why _yes_ Jamesy! We certainly can go to the fireworks! But first you need to find a costume."

"I'm on it!" Norrington said perkily. He ran into the room with the costume box and dove into it. Just then, Elizabeth waltzed into the lair dressed in a butterfly costume that covered about 1/3 of her body.

"Whoa Lizzie!" Jack said in awe.

She glared at him. "Close your mouth Jackie, you're drooling everywhere."

Jack imitated her angrily and stormed off to find himself a costume.

"Well Erik, how do I look?" she asked, giving a twirl.

"Fine." He shrugged. Elizabeth's face fell disappointedly. Their relationship had been stormy. It seemed like if they weren't doing anything physical, they hated each other.

"What is your problem lately?" she demanded furiously.

"I don't know, maybe it's you." He retorted.

"Excuse me?!" she sputtered. "You can't talk to me like that! You little-"

"Look at this costume!" Norrington raced, interrupting their fight. They eyed the costume up and down. It was…well, _beautiful_. Everyone went slack-jawed.

"Where did you find that?" Elizabeth whispered, pointing at the costume.

"I made it." Norrington said with pride. He puffed up his chest, and raised his head.

"It's perfect." Will said.

"For me!" Jack yelled, darting forward to grab the costume. Norrington flinched at the sudden movement, and Erik was right on Jack's heels. He grabbed the back of Jack's shirt, and threw him to the floor. Erik arrived at the costume first.

"I think I'll be accompanying this _gorgeously_ made costume to the Masquerade tonight." He said.

"WHAT?! _You?_" Jack spluttered from the floor. Erik stepped on Jack's fingers, and Jack curled into a ball onto the floor, howling with pain.

"Yes…_me._ Now, If you'll excuse me…" he slung the costume over his shoulder like a diva and a jacket, and waltzed to the changing chamber.

Jack sat silently for a moment, and then looked frantically around the room for someone to stop Erik. But no one moved.

"You see that? Not even a 'thank you'…" Norrington said as his head drooped.

"I would've said thank you." Jack said from the floor.

"Aw…thanks…" Norrington scuffled his feet.

"Now, HELP ME UP YOU MORON!" Jack yelled from the floor.

Erik was pacing back and forth, dressed in the fabulous red costume, rehearsing what to say to the crowd when he made his grand entrance.

"'Good evening noncoms, I'm here this evening to…' no, no…that sounds too formal. 'Hey morons! Listen and listen well! You're gonna perform my opera or else!' no…that's much too rude…I really need someone to help me out. Where's the Turner kid when I need him?"

"Why don't you say you're grateful?" a falsetto voice asked out of nowhere.

Erik spun around and saw Norrington hiding in the corner.

"What are you doing Norrington?!"

"Norrington isn't here, I'm your conscience!" he said quickly.

"I _can see you_!" Erik snapped.

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can…ugh what's the point? Just leave me alone, moron."

"Say you're grateful!"

"NO! I never say thank you!" Erik yelled.

"Obviously!" Norrington sniffled. "You stole my costume!"

"You'll get over it."

"APOLOGIZE!"

"Okay, fine, fine I'm sorry! Happy?"

"Yes." Norrington smiled.

Christine danced and twirled with Raoul across the dance floor, occasionally checking over his shoulder for any sign of the pirates or, heaven forbid, the Phantom.

"What's wrong, Christine?" Raoul said, finally noticing her wandering eyes.

"Nothing, it's just that I'm so…excited for the New Year!" he smiled, and laughed.

"Me too, dearest, me too."

Jack and Will were hanging around by the food table, Jack, of course, was indulging in the champagne.

"Champagne was always too fancy for me, but, hey, it makes my nose tingle…" Jack said, gulping down another glass of straight alcohol. He reached for the closest plate for food, and then began extravagantly shoving it into his mouth.

"Can you be anymore _repulsive_?" Will nudged Jack, causing him to choke. When he cleared his throat, he spoke back.

"Shut up Horse-boy," Will flashed his eyes at Jack, "The Dragon commands you." He pointed his hand dramatically at Will. Will rolled his eyes. Jack had run to the costume box next, and stole the Dragon costume, Norrington picked a little yellow chicken number, and Will got stuck with the horse. It actually consisted of a 2 foot tall horse head towering above his own, and a snout that protruded out several inches.

"I still say," Will began irritably. "That _I _should have been the Dragon."

"What, you?" Jack asked with a laugh.

"Yes me! The more muscular man should be the Dragon."

"You are NOT more muscular than me."

"Am too, want to compare biceps?" Will asked, starting to pull up his sleeve.

"No! I'm good." Jack stopped him.

"Why? Cause you know I'll win?"

Jack looked down embarrassedly, "Yes."

Will laughed and took a bite of food off Jack's plate.

"Mmm, this is delicious! I quite enjoy this French stuff. What is this anyways?"

"Snails and fish eggs." Jack responded. Will gagged and spat the escargot and caviar all over the floor as Jack sniggered at him.

"Disgusting people those French…" Will muttered.

Just then a girl in a flimsy pink flamingo costume strutted by, giggling flirtatiously, and waving a feather at Jack.

"I'm coming darling!" Jack shouted lustily, chucking his glass at Will and running after the girl with groping fingers. Will shook his head slowly at Jack, and then turned back towards the food table. He leaned over to get at the fruit plate across the table, when his horse snout rammed into a small gathering of platters, knocking them all over, and quite uprooting the entire food table. He looked around quickly, and then walked away. _"I'll blame it on Norrington later._" He thought to himself.

Christine as she and Raoul took a break from dancing, happened to see William's little mishap with the buffet table. She groaned, knowing instantly that the pirates were here and that meant that Erik probably was too. She stared down at her fluffy pink dress, terrified to meet anyone's eyes that she didn't want to see.

"Christine, calm down! Nothing's going to happen!" Raoul told her.

And just as he said that, the lights suddenly lowered and the room was filled with the sounds of horrified shrieks. Christine felt her stomach lurch sickeningly, _he_ was here.

"It's the Opera Ghost!" Meg screamed.

"Well at least she used different words this time." Raoul said.

Erik stood ominously at the top of the stairs, waiting for the crowd to _shut up_ so he could make his entrance. Finally the crowd fell silent, and he began walking down the stairs in a firm rhythm. Will rolled his eyes, as he always does, and ignored his presence. Norrington on the other hand, was horrified. He'd completely forgotten about giving his costume to the Opera Ghost, because…well, he's retarded.

"Ah…AH!!! THE PHANTOM!!! HE'S HERE!" the words rang out in the silent ballroom. "AH!!!! AAAAUUUGGGHHH---!" *Clang

Norrington fell to the ground with a sickening _thud_, and Will stood behind him solemnly with an upheld tray. He tossed the tray on top of Norrington, and then walked away. (As per freakin' usual.)

"_Why so silent good messieurs, did you think that I had left you for-_"

"BORING!" Jack interrupted, popping out of the crowd.

Erik stopped in mid step, glaring furiously at Jack.

"I have come here to tell you all that-"

"Here, I'll make this a short story for you all." Jack burst out. "He wrote this opera, it's called _Don Juan Triumphant,_ it's about sex, lust, violence, drugs, and murder. Oh and Meg," he turned to the blonde, "He has this _killer _dress for you, I can hardly wait."

"I made it!" Norrington piped up, becoming conscious again.

"Yeah it was a little hard, we had to strap coconuts to the mannequin to get the bust size correct." Jack said.

Madame Giry made a disgusted noise. "You _what_?"

Erik's face went the same color as his mask.

"Oh calm down mother." Meg groaned. "I'm a big girl now."

"_I'll _say." Norrington said. Madame Giry whacked him across the head, knocking him out again.

"You two," Jack continued, "Monsieur Perverted Money Obsessed and Monsieur Whiny Paranoid Bad Heart, you suck at this job. Manager Number One, go back to your scrap metal, Manager Number Two, get a heart transplant. You, Italian, diva bi-atch, you suck at acting, but you have a nice set of…"

"Watch it." Piangi growled.

"Oh yeah, and you, buddy, you're a cow, go lose some weight why don't you? Yeah and Christine, he wants you_ so_ bad why won't you just take him and ditch the fop and let me…or Will…or another man have Elizabeth?"

"Hey, the _fop_ happens to be in this room!" Raoul said angrily.

"Shut up or you won't be on this EARTH!" Erik yelled, coming out of his shock. "That's it! Jack if I ever have to look at your stupid face again I WILL KILL YOU! Here's my opera, you're going to perform it or I'll drown you all in a sea of blood."

"That's dramatic." Elizabeth muttered.

"Shut up you whore!" Erik screamed, the crowd gasped. He ran forward, and stepped on the trapdoor, kicked it, and fell down. Christine having a score to settle, seized the opportunity, and jumped down after him.

"NO!" Raoul screamed, along with crowd, but it was too late the trapdoor was closed.


	8. Lights Out

**A/N: We're BAAAAAAACK! After almost one year (to our horror) we're finally finding time and energy to update! This has been a super hard and dramatic year for both of us. Hope you're all still with us! Our most sincere apologies…enough with this. Read and review!!!**

Erik landed nimbly in the dark, brushing off his suit, and straightening his jacket. He stopped brushing when he heard a loud ruffling sound. He had just enough time to look up before Christine landed on top of him, sending him to the ground. He opened his mouth to gasp, and inhaled a mouthful of skirts.

"YOU-! YOU, GET OUT FROM UNDERNEATH ME!" she kicked her legs furiously, trying to scramble off of him.

"You landed on me, stupid! Now, you get off of me, you fluffy, pink disaster!" Christine rolled onto the ground in a heap of lace.

"Oh, so I see that you've abandoned your fancy insults!"

"Yes, I had to 'dumb them down' for pea-brains like you." He said casually. Christine raised her fist to punch him, but being the Phantom; Erik simply stepped aside effortlessly, and sent Christine careening into the stone wall behind him. She yowled in pain as she collided with the wall.

"_OW_! You stupid son of a-"

"Ah, ah, ah, watch it. Proper ladies do not curse."

Christine sent him the nastiest glare she could muster, but Erik did not stick around enough to see it. He turned on his heel, and began descending the numerous stairs to the lair.

"…DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!"

* * * * *

"I told you mate…you always go for the ones in pink; they're the easy ones."

"Well, I don't take advantage of women like you do. I look for quality relationships that will last, and are meaningful." Will said stiffly. Jack guffawed loudly.

"Then why'd you choose Elizabeth?" Will paused behind Jack on the stairs, holding back an insult.

"I-" Will cut himself off when the hallway was suddenly filled with an echoing female screeching.

"What in the…" Jack muttered looking around.

"…_and then you just hold out your hand, and expect me to follow you?! You've got nerve! And such overconfidence to think that I would just…_"

"Man, that little Christine can really scream it, can't she?" Jack said in awe.

"She's an opera singer; she's trained to throw her voice." Will said matter-of-factly. Jack made a face to imitate an intelligent person; placing his hand sophisticatedly on his chest. They made it down the stairs faster than the Phantom and Christine, and settled into the Phantom's cushy armchairs.

Jack kicked off his boots, and made sure they landed on the bed. Jack laughed mirthlessly as they landed on the sheets.

"Here's a gift for you, you slimy git."

"He's not going to like that." Will said shortly. Jack scoffed.

"Since when does he like anything I do?"

"Touché." Will said as he unlaced his vest rhythmically. "I still don't see why you got to be the dragon."

"We already went over this William!" Jack said gruffly.

"No, we actually didn't. Biceps. Now." Will rolled up his sleeve in two motions. Jack folded his arms.

"No."

"What's wrong Jackie boy?" Will cooed. "Don't want big bad Will to win you at an innocent arm wrestle?"

Jack laughed once without humor. "Actually, there's a childhood injury that I can't expose to air."

Will stared incredulously. "Just admit defeat, and I'll let it go."

"Never…" Jack said in a lethal whisper. Jack suddenly jumped to his feet, and lifted his arms above his head victoriously. "_NEVER!_"

"NEVER!!!!" a second yell cut across the room. Jack and Will both looked in the gateway as Norrington drew out the yell, keeping his arms above his head. His scream faded into silence as they stared at him.

"Did I win?" he said quietly.

"Win _what_?" Will said impatiently.

"The screaming contest!" Norrington slurred. Jack lowered his hands slowly back down to his sides.

"Yes Norrington, you won."

Norrington pumped his arm to his side. "YES! Bow to me, you worms!" Will raised his eyebrows.

"Had a bit much to drink tonight?" he asked. Norrington looked surprised.

"Nopedy, nopedy nope." He stumbled over his words drunkenly. "All I know, is that I drank some of this bubbly stuff, and now I feel all bouncy and happy. Kinda like Jack always does."

"It's great, isn't it?" Jack gushed. Norrington took a deep breath, and exhaled loudly.

"Well, my girl liked it."

"Girl?" Will spat.

"The mannequin?" Jack said.

"No silly…she was busy tonight, so I picked up a new one…one that was a little more sensitive to my needs and feelings."

Jack and Will exchanged looks.

"Anyways, her flamingo costume really did something for me-"

Jack spluttered loudly. "_Flamingo_???"

Will elbowed Jack in the ribs. "Let it go, there's plenty more whores where she came from." Jack bobbed his head up and down. Norrington stopped talking, and puffed out his cheeks. Will turned his head skeptically.

"What are you doing?"

Norrington gagged quietly several times, before suddenly sending a power barf right at Jack. The vomit smacked loudly against Jack's almost bared chest. Jack let out a warbled scream after jumping up a second too late. The vomit dripped off slowly as Norrington wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

Will stifled a laugh, and Jack ran over and threw himself on Will; tackling him to the ground. Jack rubbed his chest and stomach violently on Will; flailing and wriggling all over the floor. Will scrambled and yelled in protest.

Norrington gagged again, and threw up straight onto the Phantom's bed, and into Jack's boots. Will and Jack got up from the floor, and examined themselves disgustedly.

There was a short pause before Jack suggested jumping into the lake. Wordlessly, he and Will jumped cannonball style into the lake. Will's stifled scream echoed through the room as he stood up in the thigh-deep water.

"_The water's a little too shallow, you idiot_!" he yelled as he rubbed his hip in pain.

"Well, now I'm wet and soiled!" Jack whined.

"I'm sure that our pal, Erik, won't mind if we borrow some of his sophisticated clothing…"

Jack smiled mischievously. The two men jumped eagerly out of the water, stripping their clothing as they ran towards the Phantom's dressing station. Norrington continued horking up small chunks of whatever it was he ate…

Jack and Will emerged from the changing station completely adorned in the Phantom's clothing. They tossed their soiled garments onto the Phantom's bed, now adding vomit to the already aromatic boots.

"Lookin' spiffy…" Jack turned in admiration at himself.

"If I do say so myself-"

"…_arrogant, self-centered, creepy, annoying, pompous-_" Norrington cringed visibly as Christine's shrieks entered the stone lair; echoing off of every surface. He clutched his head in agony. The Phantom's face was scarlet, and tightened as Christine entered behind him, gesturing widely with her arms. The Phantom, unable to take it for one more minute, spun to face her.

"RIGHT! I agree! I agree with anything you say! Just shut up! I'm so sick of your ramblings, you STUPID little girl! If your voice wasn't beautiful I would have cut out your vocal cords and used them for suspenders! NOW SHUT…up." He dropped his voice to a whisper as he saw the three dumbstruck pirates staring at him.

"…hi." Will said slowly. "How was your evening?"

"Just lovely, thank you." Erik said back rigidly. Christine scoffed loudly, and

walked away.

"So um…what'd you do to the broad?" Jack said.

"_What _did you call me?" Christine yelled.

"Speak a little louder; we _cannot hear you!_" Erik yelled back.

Christine opened her mouth to fire back, but was interrupted by boisterous laughter. Elizabeth skipped down the stairs two at a time, laughing without pause.

"Oh, you guys missed out on a hell of a party!" she said on the exhale. Erik noted how her clothing was askew.

"Oh really? I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." He said in a monotone.

"Oh, I didn't forget about _you_. Don't worry…I saved a bit of myself for you." She swooned, throwing herself into his arms. Erik faltered, not completely catching her as she slumped to the ground.

"Miss Swann. This has gone far enough-_are you wearing my clothes?!_" The Phantom boomed as he noticed that Jack and Will were wearing his clothing. He rounded on them nefariously.

Jack patted Erik's shoulder softly. "Remember your blood pressure…" Erik raised his fist, and punched Jack squarely in the face, letting out a cry of rage.

"Damn my blood pressure! I want you all out of here, _right now!_ You're really beginning to invade on my personal space!"

"Calm down…we just shop at the same store…" Will said soothingly. Jack rolled over on the ground, yelping and clutching his nose.

"_You're not even from this century!_" Erik screamed back. Elizabeth shrunk on the floor in fear.

Jack reached upwards for something to pull himself up with, but instead, knocked over a candelabra, setting off a chain reaction, and eventually extinguishing every single lit candle around the lair. And for the first time ever since their arrival; the room was silent.

Erik exhaled loudly. "I'm going to be _very_ calm…but who the hell did that?!" Jack didn't move.

Everyone groaned simultaneously.

"This is so stupid-"

"…where's the freaking…"

"Calm down everyone! We just need to find a candelabra…"

"_AH!_ Jack, stop groping me!" Elizabeth cried out.

"Stop what? I'm over here!"

"OW!" Will yelled.

"Oh, I'm _sorry_ Will…" Christine said softly; suddenly deciding to be shy again.

"That's okay, you couldn't have known…"

Clinking chains broke the numerous complaints.

"_AAAAHHHH!!!!!_" Elizabeth scream faded into an alarming silence, rising up in the ceiling.

"I think I just broke my ankle!" Norrington whined.

"All of you, just shut up!" Erik roared.

"Where's Elizabeth? Lizzie!!!" Jack called.

"I don't know; I can't _see_!" Will snapped.

"Then turn on the lights!"

"…you are beyond hope. That's what we're attempting to do!"

The room was filled with light as Norrington lit a candelabra, and hoisted it up into the air.

"How on earth did you do that?" Christine asked.

"……….I don't know."

"I don't even care. Where's Miss Swann?"

"Up here," she said angrily. The entire room looked up at a hanging upside-down Elizabeth. Her flimsy outfit hanging over her face and her hair falling towards the floor.

"How did you-?" Will began to ask, but was cut off by a bloodcurdling scream.

"_Get me down from here!_"

Jack and Will scrambled around, looking for the release switch for her trap. Erik just rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"I could've sworn that I dismantled that…it's over there." He pointed lazily to a rope dangling tightly behind the organ. Will whipped out a small knife, and cut the rope. Elizabeth shrieked as she free-fell through the canopy of Erik's bed, and straight onto Jack's boots, and the pile of vomit.

She let out a string of profanities and curses as she slopped around in the disgusting bodily fluids.

Norrington bit his lip to hide a laugh.

Erik glowered. "Why is there vomit and _boots_ on my bed?!"

"Oh I'm sorry, will that ruin your lovemaking?" Jack said sarcastically.

Erik ignored the comment. Christine dipped her head downward, and sighed.

"I guess I'll just go now…" she squeaked, and then jogged up the stairs and out of sight. Erik extended his hand in a hopeless gesture.

"Well, this has been a fun night, but I'm tired, and gonna turn in." Jack said.

"Yes, you will need your rest, because I will _kill_ you in the morning!" Erik raged.

"Excuse me, but I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Elizabeth said pointedly.

"Good." Erik said.

Elizabeth trudged out into the lake, holding her arms away from her sides. "Aren't any of you going to stop me?" she asked.

"Nope." The men replied simultaneously.


	9. Nightmares in the Tone of Depp

_ Jack was sitting alone in a dark room and he didn't know why. The only sound in the room was his rattling breathing. In fact, Jack had no idea how he'd ended up in that room. Although that sort of the thing happened to Jack Sparrow often, he was still rather afraid. Out of a corner of the room Jack heard a small 'snip snip' sort of noise. He tensed his shoulders and strained his eyes to see._

_ "Who's there?!" He shouted._

_ No one answered. Jack shifted his eyes nervously around the room._

_ "Oi! Who made that noise?" he demanded._

_ In the dim light of the room, a foot slid out of the corner very slowly. From what Jack could tell it was wearing a shiny leather boot…or something like it. Again came the 'snip snip' noise. Nervously, Jack leaned forward._

_ "Come out, you!" he snapped. "Come on you coward! Come out and face me!" _

_ Slowly, the person shuffled towards him and Jack put his hand on his sword, ready to slice off the intruder's head if needed. Jack's eyes widened as a strange man, clad from head-to-toe in shiny black, with wild dark hair, and an extremely pale face walked towards him._

_ "Who are you?" _

_ "Edward." The man replied in a small, scared voice._

_ "Don't be scared of me!" Jack laughed, feeling relieved. "I won't hurt now! What say you to a friendly handshake…AGGHHH!" _

_ Jack yanked his hand back before it could be skewered by the sharp objects that seemed to protrude from Edward's hand. _

_ "What the…?" he burst. "You're hands…they're…"_

_ "Scissors!" an angry voice rasped from another corner. "Yes, stupid they're scissors!" Jack heard the second man stand up and come towards him. "Now then…" the man leaned his face close to Jack's. Jack gulped when he saw his white face and angry, dark, sunken-in eyes…but more than anything he noticed something shiny in his right hand…_

_ "How about shave there, captain?" the man sneered._

_ "How do you know who I am?" Jack asked shakily. The man just laughed maniacally and pushed Jack back into the chair and held a razor to his neck. Jack closed his eyes, preparing to have his throat sliced…_

_ "Sweeney, you bully, knock it off!" a cheerful, yet screechy, voice came in. A purple gloved hand pushed the razor-wielding man away gently. "Jack doesn't need a shave right now! What he really needs to do is taste my new chocolate!" _

_ The purple gloved man knelt down by Jack and all Jack could notice was his large, luminously white teeth which shone in the darkness. The man pulled out a big brick of chocolate and shoved it into Jack's mouth. _

_ "What are you-?" Jack mumbled through a mouthful._

_ "Damn it, Wonka!" Sweeney Todd growled. "Not everything is about bloody chocolate! I was busy here…"_

_ "I just wanna give him a haircut…" Edward remarked quietly._

_ "Shut up, you!" Sweeney snapped. "That's my job! I'm a barber!"_

_ "Let him chew!" Wonka waved his hands around childishly. "He needs to try my candy!" Wonka turned to Jack and grinned. "Do ya like it?"_

_ "Actually…" Jack finished chewing and swallowed. "It is rather delicious. What's in it?"_

_ "Oh just some granulated sugar, cane sugar, brown sugar, a pinch of this, tit for tat…oh and a whole bunch of one hundred percent, undiluted rum extract!"_

_ Jack perked up eagerly. "Rum extract? Say you got anymore of this?"_

_ "Rum?" Sweeney snarled. "Gin is so much better, you have no taste."_

_ "Who asked you?" Jack retorted._

_ "Anything's better than lemonade." Edward said quietly._

_ "I believe TEA is the BEST!" a lisping, overly-giddy voice chimed in._

_ "Oh no…" Wonka rolled his eyes._

_ "It's that stupid Hatter!" Sweeney spat. _

_ "Who invited him?" Edward wondered._

_ "Tea is especially nice, especially when the moon is above you and the March Hare beside you, and a pinch of sugar goes very far when-"_

_ The Mad Hatter, with his freakish makeup and bright orange wig, stared at Jack as if he were a mortal enemy. Jack, already terrified, shrunk back into the chair._

_ "Your hat!" The Hatter burst. "What a fine hat atop your beautifully hatted head! But oh, you could do so much better! I could hat it for you!"_

_ The Hatter reached for Jack's pirate hat but Jack grabbed it tightly with both hands._

_ "I like my hat very much, thank you."_

_ "But I'd really like to hat your head…" the Hatter whined._

_ "Well I'd really like to cut OFF your head!" Sweeney Todd grinned evilly._

_ "I just wanna cut your hair...or a bush." Edward murmured._

_ "Have more candy!" Wonka shoved more chocolate into his mouth._

_ Within seconds, the four strange people were all attacking Jack. Edward was trying to trim his dreadlocks, Sweeney tried to give him a 'shave', Wonka kept shoving chocolate into his mouth, and the Hatter wouldn't stop poking his hat. _

_ "No! Leave me alone…AGGGHHH…" Jack tried to scream but was always cut off by chocolate._

_ "Just let me SHAVE YOU!" _

_ "NO I want to give him a hair cut!" _

_ "I want your hat!" _

_ "MORE CANDY!" _

_ Their voices warped into demonic laughter and Jack screamed louder. And as they faded away, Jack noticed a certain likeness between them and himself…then he looked up and noticed water coming towards him…_

"AGHHH!" he yelled as he was doused with cold water.

He opened his eyes and was greeted by the extremely confused faces of his comrades.

"_Finally_!" Elizabeth snapped. "Augh, no one can sleep with you shrieking!"

"I told you to pour water on him _hours_ ago…" Will sighed.

"Well, I'm awake now!" Jack snarled irritably.

"What kind of sick dream were you having?" Erik asked.

"Probably one about that prostitute, again…" Elizabeth said between her teeth.

"No, it was not…I wish…"

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Jack inhaled shakily, still shaken from his trippy dream.

"So…" Christine began, "Tell us about this nightmare."

"Yeah it sounded so scary!" Norrington whispered. "You kept screaming!"

"Oh yes, Norrington, screaming "I don't want chocolate!" is scary. Absolutely terrifying." Will rolled his eyes.

"Chocolate can be scary…" Norrington muttered. "What is chocolate?"

"Oh, well it's a delicious dessert made from-" Will started to say.

"Hey!" Erik yelled, "Why don't we let Jack tell us about his dream so we can all go back to sleep?"

They all turned their heads to look back at Jack, who was waiting patiently for them to shut up.

"Well, if you must know. It was an absolutely terrifying nightmare including two men with sharp objects, a psycho candy maker, and a clown…thing…in a top hat."

"Good heavens! You drink _way too much_…" Elizabeth shook her head. Disregarding her, Jack continued.

"And they were all trying to…do things to me…"

"Good grief!" Elizabeth and Christine groaned in disgust.

"That's twisted, mate." Will nodded.

"What kind of things?" Norrington asked excitedly.

Jack assured them that the 'things' were not of a sexual nature, which caused Elizabeth (the skank muffin) to walk up and leave out of boredom. He then proceeded to explain the awful nightmare.

"And in the end, I noticed they all…looked like me!" Jack concluded.

"Are they…." Norrington gulped, "Real people?"

"I hope not." Jack whispered.

"I don't know…" Elizabeth said from across the room. "That guy with the razors…" she imitated a throat slitting action, "sounds kind of hot."

"Well, of course he looks like me." Jack said, giving a sexy smile at her, to which she rolled her eyes. Erik, seeing this as his moment to take charge, stood up.

"Well, this was a fun little pow-wow. But all we've concluded is what we already knew; Jack is crazy."

"_I'm _crazy?!" Jack spat.

"Back to bed…" Will walked away and they all followed.

"But…but…" Jack spluttered.

"Good night!"

"I'm not tired though…" Jack started to whine, but was knocked over the head by a candlestick.

"Nice hit Norrington." Erik smiled.

"Thanks, I've practiced!"

Meanwhile in a distant tunnel of the Opera…

The water began to swirl as a strange bluish fog sparkled and rose to the surface. Out of the portal, stepped a well polished shoe with a bright gold buckle. And out of the water stepped Lord Cutler Beckett of the East India Trading Company. Splashing out of the water, accompanied by the faithful Mercer, Beckett wiped himself dry.

"I knew it." Beckett smiled triumphantly. "Those daft headed pirates could never be smart enough to close the portal!"

"It was smart, letting Norrington lead them, sir." Mercer said.

"Of course, Mercer, you don't think I'd actually give them a guide who was smart?" Beckett scoffed.

"I doubted you sir, when you poisoned James Norrington. But now, it looks as if it's worked perfectly. His mind has completely turned to mush."

"For that I'll forgive you Mercer." Beckett noted and looked around. "This is a very strange place…rather beautiful though…" he said as he stroked the stone wall.

"Paris is lovely this time of year, sir." Mercer nodded.

"Too bad I'm going to take over."

And then he and Mercer began to laugh maniacally at random intervals, as if having a contest. The laughter rang throughout the tunnels, yet our heroes did not seem to notice…


End file.
